How Much?! ( Man in a Hat Gets Some Maidenhead)

Mission Impossible?

My first bus is at 08:00 on a Saturday and my train is due out at 08:36. It’s going to be tight. I could always get the 09:36 train, but then there would be no time to get pre-game photos of the County Faithful.

With the Mission Impossible theme tune whirling around in my head, all goes to plan and I bump into Edward Keane at the station, who is waiting for the 08:43.

This beautifully highlights the totally nonsensical way in which the trains in the UK are run. Edward is travelling via London with Virgin West Coast and I’m travelling with Cross Country via Reading. But woe betides either of us if we try to get on the wrong train! Edward is due in Maidenhead at 12:04 and I’m due in at 12:02.

We spend 4 minutes bemoaning the fact that Government funding for the rail industry in now more than 3 times what British Rail used to get prior to privatisation, and that’s allowing for inflation. It’s a fact, look it up!

The sooner the railways are run as a service for all, and not as a means to fill a few shareholders already over-stuffed pockets the better. Nationalise we say! Now!

My train arrives. And relax. 3 hours to Reading. Looks like everyone else is going via London, a place to be avoided at all costs (hate London so much, revenge soon, show everybody….).

The train is running late. I only have 10 minutes at Reading to get my connection, and it’s a big station. The Mission Impossible theme tune starts up again.

I often get 60s TV themes in my head, e.g. when I see a vehicle that has too many wheels, or which is unfeasibly large, I get the theme to Thunderbirds. Not sure if this condition has a name?

Anyway, I get my connection and arrive in Maidenhead on time.

Whistle Stop Tour

I have to pass the ground on the way to check in at the Grenfell Arms, so I pop in to see if there are any programmes available, and also to check that my name is “on the list” re my co-commentating duties.

No programmes yet, but I am on the list. There are other County Supporters already there. The stewards seem a little bemused - it’s 10 past 12!

I’m delighted to discover that my room is ready and that I can check in. After removing the rubber sheet off the bed, a quick bite and a quick pint (Vale - Brill Gold), I head off to photograph the Blue Army en-route to helping Jon Keighren.

First stop The Bear (Wetherspoons) where I enjoy a swift half of Maggs’ Magnificent Mild, which is, well, magnificent.

Froggy had already booked himself accommodation in West Bromwich for the Kidderminster game, and so has had to travel from there. Non-believer!

County are 3-1 with the bookies today. Mouse and I agree that these odds are too long. Have a bet on 1-1.  

Next up it’s the Maiden’s Head (Rebellion IPA - £2.10 for half!) where I bump into a group who refer to themselves as the Stockport Hatters In The South. As you can see from the photo, one could be regarded as an old Stockport Hatter In The South! 

Apparently, this is the first time in County’s history that they’ve played a game in the constituency of a serving Prime Minster. Blimey, another first.

Also in the Maiden’s Head (as I recall - might be wrong?) are a group of serial travellers, some of whom are also staying over. 

Imagine That!

I head off to the ground to collect team sheets and get myself to the commentary box. There’s time for a steak & kidley pie, which I have to say is excellent.

Whilst waiting for the team sheets, hedgegrower gets a picture of me with some of the volunteers helping to run Maidenhead. 

 Everyone is so friendly.

Away fans are not allowed in Stripes Bar today, but as I’m special (press, not needs) I am allowed. I’m not surprised to find that some County Supporters have managed to wheedle their way in. 

The printer has broken so there will be no team sheets.

Segregation has been introduced at York Road just for us apparently, which means that I have to parade around 3 sides of the ground wearing my topper in order to get to Jon Keighren.

The Blossoms are being played - another good omen? I even get to shake Mr. Gannon’s hand on the way round. Not surprisingly, he’s busy, so there’s no chit-chat. Quite right too.

Safe to say that I take up a little more room in the commentary box than your average journo! The earphones won’t fit over my hat, so that has to be removed just before kick-off. Hopefully this won’t diminish its luckiness.

During commentary, I manage to get a few plugs in for The Spinning Top and say hello to Granddad Billy. Ironically, I’m also sat next to Uncle Sam. These bandits get everywhere.

As we’re playing a team from the National League, they have squad numbers and names on the back of their shirts. Let’s hope Lando is very busy this summer!

The game finishes 1-1 (as predicted) after an increasingly tense rear-guard action by County. The hat has done it again! Nothing to do with fantastic defending as a team and a certain Mr. Benjamin Hinchliffe. Well, that might have had something to do with it I suppose.

Yes, I know I kept saying Hinchcliffe during the commentary, no doubt to the collective annoyance of those listening in the Spinning Top, but the name was spelt wrong on the team sheet, and my brain can’t work that fast! Say what you see.

A word about the 261 County Supporters who made the trip. Magnificent to a man. We won about 6-0 off the pitch. Great to see the players acknowledge this support at the end of the game. Grand scenes indeed.

My Imagine FM duties concluded it’s time to put my Man in a Hat hat back on.

Some have gathered in the Bell, where I indulge in only my second pint of the day, Sharp’s Doom Bar. 

It’s so nice being able to watch football at a ground at the centre of the community it serves. But, the word on the street is that moves are afoot to move the stripes out of York Road and to replace the ground with all manner of other non-football related stuff. Noooooo!

Now for some me time. The second Good Beer Guide pub is a ten minute walk away, the Craufurd Arms (yes, that is the correct spelling).

More Hatters enter as I’m being served Bond’s Goldi-Hops.

The Craufurd Arms is a community owned pub run as a co-operative, so I fully indulge myself. You have to do your best to support such visionaries.

Pictured here is publican and social crusader Mark Newcombe with some of the Blue Army.

And here we have some of the volunteers who help to run the pub (it’s a dirty job, but….). 

Of the beers I try, the Rebellion Roasted Nuts scores highest.

Where’s me Bhaji!

Then, it’s back to a restaurant called Maidenhead Spice, which is close to the Grenfell Arms, where I’m staying.

Onion bhaji followed by chicken liver biryani is ordered. Offal in an Asian restaurant, I must be in dreamland. The place is very busy indeed and I have to sit on my own right in the middle. I am literally the centre of attention.

They are struggling to cope and the service is slow. The back wall consists of a Japanese style grid of black circles within black squares on a white background. I notice that one of the circles is a 60s style camera.

I’d probably be able to hear it buzzing if I could get the theme of The Prisoner out of my head. Am I about to be drugged? Is everyone else in the restaurant in on it?    

The liver biryani arrives. Where are the bhajis? I give up trying to explain and tuck in. A little disappointing in that the liver is not spiced up in any way, but very tasty none-the less and very good quality.

I decide to try and track down the bhajis again. I grew up in Birmingham you see. They don’t stand on ceremony in the balti houses of Witton. If you want a starter as a main, a main as a starter, or just eat stuff in a different order, you only need to ask.

I now realise why the camera is there. This is an experiment to see if I can be provoked into complaining. No chance of that.

After explaining my situation to the head waiter, my bhajis arrive, although he is rather amused that I should still want them. He’s obviously never been as far north as Birmingham.

As a waiter clears away my emptied bhaji plate, I ask for the bill. “But what about your main course sir?” I have to explain again that this has already been scoffed!

I manage to pay the bill and it’s back to the Grenfell Arms to sample the remaining beers they have on offer, including the lesser-seen and rather good Mighty Moose IPA from Greene King.

Taking my Time

Breakfast is served until 11am. How civilised and very good to boot.

Here we go again. The Ark. What a great little boozer this is. Apparently, its name derives from the fact that it was regularly surrounded by water prior to flood defences being installed.

Very popular indeed, busy at 12:05 on a Sunday. Most are playing darts in the games room, which is only accessible by walking through behind the bar, similar to the snug in the Arden Arms back in Stockport.

My train isn’t until 15:28, so time to slowly retrace my steps and revisit the Bear and the Maiden’s Head. There seems to be a shortage of newsagents, so no NLP yet, but I do manage to find a copy of the local CAMRA magazine, Camrangle, which is pretty good. Thankfully, I find no further venues to add to my list.

Hogs Back Surrey Nirvana in the Bear - very good indeed.

Stardust’s Maiden’s Head Winter Ale in the Maiden’s Head (Stardust’s English Bitter I suspect). Again very good, albeit almost twice the price I paid in the Bear.

One last target, the recently opened Off The Tap, which I’ve been told is incredibly expensive, even for Maidenhead. Bear in mind the only pint I’ve had under £4 so far has been in Wetherspoons.

£4.40 for a pint of Windsor & Eton’s Windsor Knot, and that was after 10% discount for CAMRA members! It was pretty good though.

Still half an hour to kill, and I’m not paying those prices, so I pick off the Rose on my way to the station. More Rebellion Roasted Nuts. Not as good as the pint I had at the Craufurd though.

The return journey passes uneventfully enough, but it’s standing room only most of the way for many. Thankfully I booked a seat.

My bus home is every hour on a Sunday, so I’m forced to pop into Ye Olde Vic. Sarah Hughes Dark Ruby Mild. I realise that I’m a very lucky boy, but this is getting ridiculous!

So there we have it. Man in a Hat, living the dream yet again!

I’ve really enjoyed it, and would certainly return next season, assuming Maidenhead stay up of course.

Man in a Hat.